Social Goals

Have an effective hygiene routine and look respectable according to the norms of those you’ll be regularly interacting with. Health food stores carry a variety of hygiene products without carcinogenic ingredients. 

• Wear deodorant. Even if your circumstances aren’t ideal, you can probably get away with a daily “Italian bath” with a washcloth and a cheap natural deodorant made of baking soda and a natural lotion. The important goal is consistency. If you dislike any approval-seeking or conforming behavior, simply think of it as the golden rule.

• Look respectable as defined by your work and social groups. This doesn’t mean you have to have manicures, perfect hair, or the latest fashions. It means make sure that as a minimum, you don’t habitually have offensive odors, your fingernails are evenly trimmed and clean, and that your clothing is clean or at least doesn’t contain images or wording that is offensive to the groups you will be around. Your social group may love dreadlocks, tats, and/or chains, but these three aspects will be still respected and applicable anywhere.

Setting interpersonal boundaries is an essential skill for anyone's life. Many people have grown up not seeing boundary-setting modeled well. Especially for women, the norm of approval-seeking and accommodating to others often leads to the view that we have to be nice and direct. It’s helpful to think of a role model, someone who is clear, who doesn’t get taken advantage of, but who also treats others with respect. There is a lot of help from books by therapists, but boundary setting is a skill that has to be practiced. It’s important to set boundaries early on in a relationship whenever possible. Without that initial dynamic of clear limitations, it's easy for someone to not take your requests as seriously. This is because they might have evidence that in the past you haven’t been clear or firm about your limits. It’s helpful to invite trusted friends and family members to point out when they see you not sticking and honoring to your limits. If you have a co-worker who consistently asks for more help than is appropriate, tell them directly that you have decided you will no longer help them in that way because it takes too much time from your responsibilities. If they keep asking for a variety of favors, and you’re uncomfortable saying no, sitting down with a supervisor to discuss the issue might be the quickest way to curb their behavior. This situation could develop in a social context or family, and you could similarly ask for others’ help.

• Practice saying no. Take a look at this article for ways to decline while showing respect to the other. Boundaries are about self-defense, self-respect, and honesty. If someone won’t take no for an answer, distance yourself or seek help from someone who can take a mediator role. Consider that if you did not actually use the word “no” or “never,” or your tone of voice was not consistent with your message, you might not have communicated your no in a way that the other understood. In this article, Brene Brown says “Clear is kind.” 

• Clarify what your job is and isn’t. Reciprocity is an important part of setting boundaries. If you’re giving and not getting in an adult-to-adult relationship, you need to stop giving.

  • When dealing with addiction, control is the biggest problem for addicts and their loved ones. Addicts convince themselves that they can control their use. Loved ones convince themselves that they can control (help or fix) the addict. What a huge amount of energy you are spending on someone else’s life! Loving the person doesn’t mean you have to fix or rescue them. You can grow and accept that changing or controlling another person is impossible. And it’s OK. When enabling fails (as it often does), loved ones face difficult choices: Do we continue the craziness, let go completely, or detach with love?

  • Detach with Love

  • Worksheet on Assertive Communication 

• Get help when needed. Within the context of reciprocal relationships, allow others to return a favor when you need one. Some of us have a lot of pride and want to be helpers but never helped. Allow trusted others the opportunity to shine. Allow them show their talents and their valuing of you. Get a therapist’s help if needed. If the expense seems unworkable, see if there are community-sponsored licensed clinical social workers available for limited-time crisis counseling.

Start to prioritize constructive criticism and non-tactical collaboration from your closest partner, family member, or team. This can be about negotiating responsibilities, but it should also be a time when it’s safe to respectfully bring up emotionally charged issues. If it gets tense during these talks, getting a counselor or HR person could ease the pressure. For close relationships, many find once per week adequate. Re-scheduling for later is easier than scrambling to find a time in two packed schedules when you urgently need to resolve an issue. When you find yourself doing what you’ve agreed to try not to, a quick and lighthearted “Hey, can I have a do-over?” Can give you a chance to practice doing whatever behavior correctly without a potentially awkward apology. See the partner check-in worksheets. 

Schedule regular and designated time with your family. If you leave family or partner time to happen in “free time,” then it’s likely that competing demands will prevent this from being true quality time. If you aren’t living with a traditional family unit, you could count this category as a best friend or “significant other.” Combine with the recommended 2 hours per week in nature (which can be divided into smaller chunks). Psychology Today published a study  that shows the health benefits of spending time with loved ones.

Social media offers ways to find and connect with prior friends that were previously unavailable. You might use the Meetup platform to expand your circle of local friends and in-person connections. Eventbrite and internet searches can help you find ways to meet more people or plan fun ways to entice existing friends and acquaintances to congregate. Parlay House is an example of virtual community for women.